“broken up”

we have “broken up”! and for some extremely strange reason…..i was able to be super calm and chill and even happy over the phone while i initiated it. in the beginning, i was really worried when he called…i was worried that i would cry over the phone. but he sounded sooo cheerful when he called which lifted up my mood. right away, i said, so you wanna break up right? thats cool lol. n hes like whaaat?! nonooo…why would u get that idea?! and im like…well, you said you needed to clear things up…n hes like lol n proceeded to clarify things. in the beginning, i wanted to REALLY keep him…..so i was like, ok…..well what if i just wanted to let things stay the way they are, and im ok with being unofficial? and he said its fine, just that he was afraid of me getting hurt in the end. so i started getting annoyed…why can’t he just let things be?! cuz i like him sooo much who cares if i get hurt in the end…..so i asked him, well if you were thinking of ending things, then why did u give me hope n all that sweet stuff u did. that’s where he started to honestly explain the truth behind guys reasoning. WOW. was that ever an eye-opener. after he honestly explained it, i completely lost almost ALL feelings for him LOL. went from 100 to like 15. i told him that and he was pissed. i also said that i never thought i would’ve been able to say this, but …. i actually think we can still be friends even after this. and i might not even need that ‘time period to forget him, before we can be friends’ thing. i said i m super comfortable the way we r talking on the phone right now n its so cool in fact, its scaring myself. i said we can b good buddies n he can still call if he wants. he firmly said no and was pissed at how i can do things like this. cuz we promised each other that we would continue on this relationship until the week before he goes back to hong kong….and then during that month he’s away….we can use it to kinda forget each other and move on. there’s still a couple weeks before that day n he said he wants to wait until then….because he still has feelings for me (not “REAL” feelings as he likes to call it, but just ‘feelings’…which i do get) n hes not yet ready to move on so quick. well i told him that its almost scary how calm n relaxed i am about this, n that it never happened before….the fact that i can remain friends with someone right after a relationship ended. and i said that because it’s so rare…i DON’T want to risk it. i don’t want to risk things turning bad when i feel so happy being friends. whereas he, on the other hand….is “still not over me” n feels unfair that i end this abruptly. well i said, mr. player (no i didn’t really call him that), you can take a couple days to forget about me n move on. i on the other hand, will take at least a couple months to forget about it n move on. since my calm/relaxed/happy feelings r so unexpected, i said that i cannot risk losing these good feelings n so i said no i dont want to continue this on for another couple of weeks. he’s like im not going to talk to you ever. im like….ur “ever” is = to a week basically lol. then my friend’s call was on the other line, so i said hey i gotta go my friend’s calling. n hes like YO u cannot just hang up like this u know. you’re going to end this off on a bad note with us. im like what more is there to talk about? its getting late n this is usually the time when we sleep neway when we talk on the phone. n hes like k bye (realllyyy quickly). im lk what? he said k bye really quickly agn. so i was like…….ok bye………lol n yeah im SO surprised i dont miss his daily calls at allll!! woo-hooooooooooooooooooooooooo! all i can say is….he IS a player. but he has reasons that sound right to back it up. thats all. will write another more detailled post when i have time. 

i hate this part

im heartbroken…already lol. something bad happened yesterday night. we are now on the verge of either taking a break or breaking up or being together. i won’t know until early december. but for now i am going crazy trying to figure out what i want. i don’t want to get hurt. but at the same time i don’t want to regret not trying. i woke up crying this morning. what the fuck is this. and it just had to happen right at the beginning of a busy school week. i don’t even know how i’m gonna concentrate on all these fucking assignments.

camillebadua:

yum

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so hot.

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the next level of an “unofficial relationship”…but not yet official??

Ok. So…newest update. He says that he likes me, but there is another girl that he is not yet over. He tried to get over that girl many times, and that’s why he dealt with many girls. Of those girls, he went official with one…but she later broke up with him saying that he is not over the first girl. He doesn’t want to make the same mistake twice with me, and so he says he really wants to be official, but doesn’t want to make any promises he doesn’t have confidence of keeping. He just wants to let me know for sure that he likes me and he wants it to work out. So he says to let things progress naturally and see where things go from there. The whole ‘official’ thing, he actually takes it very seriously, and says because he isn’t sure whether he is over her or whether he can keep a promise, the ‘official’ thing is delayed for now. But he wants to make one thing clear: our label of being ‘unofficial’ is not specific enough…he wants to add: unofficial AND exclusively dating. LOL. I actually lol-ed at that…that’s like borderline bullshit, but I know he’s serious about it. So basically, we’re not boyfriend/girlfriend officially, we are unofficial…….BUT we are not allowed to date other people. Huh. It makes me kind of sad. What also makes me sad is that he says he says he needs to think about what he likes about me…and things like a kind heart, a good person, innocent, caring…are apparently not legit enough traits. (How serious does he have to get?!?!) It has to be EXTREMELY specific to the person, and he doesn’t know yet what extremely specific trait he likes about me. I’m like ok…….that makes me kind of sad, but I know I’m way too simple to have specific traits to be liked. If he asked me what I like about him, I can say it no problem. That’s cuz he is an extremely good guy with quality traits.

People reading this post, without knowing background information, would think…wow, this guy is so full of bullshit. But I know he is not. He’s actually really serious and a really smart and honest LEGIT GOOD GUY. I like how he is straight up honest and says he wants to make it work, but because he doesn’t have the confidence, he doesn’t want to make empty promises. He also said this is the first time he’s been in this ‘stage’ of unofficial-ness. I said it is also my first time (…cuz honestly who has ever heard of unofficial, but also specific to ‘exclusively dating’???) I am also kind of scared to go official to be honest lol. So we are both scared. Great. Wish me luck.

the unofficial guy

Wow. Looking at my last post, it’s been more than a month since my “awesome night out”. I can’t even tell you HOW MANY THINGS HAPPENED with that guy. So yes, the last time I wrote about him, I was pretty much devastated that he would never ask me out again because my mom scared him off. But yeah…we are now unofficial. What do you know! I’ve learned so many things about him within a month’s time. I never thought I would be able to have feelings for someone so freaking fast. I think it’s cuz I always dated people who I have known since elementary or high school…I am so not used to meeting someone outside of that context and then getting to know them, etc. I always said I wouldn’t date someone unless I know them for at least a year, cuz I get really insecure about people I don’t know a lot about. And yet it always happens eh? Some guy comes along and changes everythingggg…all your stupid beliefs, takes you out of your comfort zone, but…it somehow magically works and you feel happy. This is the amazing work of God. Still though, I’m not keen on going official with him, but for now…we’re doing everything an official couple would do…just not calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend. And I’m totally fine with that cuz I’m not ready for a commitment, but so far, I can say that it’s been really sweet. And a LOT (maybe too much) honesty and a lot of open communication…pushing boundaries but at a comfortable and fun level. He is not perfect…and I’m talking about his past, but he has been misunderstood a lot. He’s what people call a player. The thing I’m most scared of because of my past relationship being cheated on. But for some reason I trust him after I got to know him better. And I am going to trust my instincts this time rather than listen to other people and confusing myself. Besides his past, he’s a little too good to be true for me. He’s like…the full package…almost. Makes me incredibly self-conscious. And he is super different from me. We are total opposites. Which makes this 10x more dangerous because I’m falling for someone who is complete opposite of me, knowing that the chances are that it will not work out and I will be hurt. But for some reason, this time, I don’t really care. He’s been super sweet and dedicated and honest and I can feel that. In the beginning I was literally building up a brick wall around myself…trying to protect myself from everything and everyone, while dealing with him at the same time. But you know what? It’s really stupid. Because you’re falling for him anyway…if you’re just going to accept his effort and not put any effort (or very little) of your own, when this ends, you’re going to be the one who is more hurt. Why? Because all of a sudden all that ‘effort’ he puts in for you comes to an abrupt stop. You will take such a hard time getting used to it. What does he have to lose? He’ll feel frustrated that you aren’t putting any effort into it, but that’s ALL. He’ll move onto another girl, who will gladly accept him and put effort into a relationship and he’ll forget about you just like that. Of course that’s not the right way to think of it - i.e. putting in effort just so he feels bad/misses me when we break up, but of course, when you put in effort it will make him happy too. It’s mutual. And life is short. Do something that you know you won’t regret even if it means being out of your comfort zone and taking risks. You never know what will happen!

awesome night

u know what i can’t even finish this post cuz i think my mom just wrecked it n scared the guy off according to what he just commented “i think your mom stared me down =(” ugh i tried so hard to explain n apologize n convince that it wasn’t his fault n i had an awesome time i havent had in so long thanks to him…but duno if that will do. 

UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!! FML 

more rantings…

so i just had the funnest night i haven’t had in a looooooong long time. on my way home, i take my phone out of my purse and i see 30 missed calls from my mom. YES 30. 3-0. I was so mad honestly…everything fun and happy that just hppnd just flew outta my head. i had to call my mom before she calls the cops. and i duno if she was serious, but last time, she said that she was gonna call the cops cuz she couldn’t reach me and i was out until almost 3am with the car. for heaven’s sake, i’m 22. and besides this 30 missed calls incident, i was with a friend who was driving me home. i wasn’t driving home myself. i thought we had a mutual understanding before, after many many heating arguments and screaming sessions that…i would b allowed out late after midnight, as long as someone is driving me and i’m not coming home all alone. 

i was so happy after a really fun night n then i come home, my mom hears me open the glass door, n she comes running to open it for me n then let me inside. i wonder if the guy who drove me home saw that…if he did, he’d probably b lk hesitant to go out w me that late agn or have that much fun agn. then i come home n she lectures me saying she called me nonstop from 1-2AM n wants to go to sleep but was worried to death. i started asking why, when someone is driving me home n we have been thru this millions of times, and she replied saying she saw these two figures stopping their car outside our house n then got out of the car n wouldn’t leave for a long time. honestly i duno if i should b worried about that or not, she tends to overreact to everything…i didn’t know what to say. but i had to make sure she knew that this time, it was SHE that was wrong. she was the one who broke the agreement/mutual understanding we had put in such a huge effort to make. 

the next day, which is this morning, i wasn’t sure what to expect…turns out i think my mom was a bit sorry for what she had done, so she was treating me like normally n wasnt mad at me one bit at all. or maybe it was cuz i kept emphasizing that it was to “celebrate my bday” thats y i came home late…which it wasn’t the case, but i knew she would b more lenient if i said that. sigh i duno. i really hope she realizes she is wrong with/without the fact that it was my bday.

and then my dad.

my dad is so lazy. srsly. he says im lazy, which i admit i am, but he is himself too. whenever he is asked by my mom to do something he tells us to do it. then he has to give some ‘excuse’ saying that theres a ‘reason’ why he tells us to do it instead of doing it himself…and thats cuz we’re family n we have to help out too. lame excuse if u ask me. its true i don’t do as much around the house as them, but its for really simple things sometimes. n he KEEPS on asking if we did it yet cuz hes a cleanfreak right n cuz he hates ppl not listening to him. so he keeps asking…n its so damn annoying. n we, me n my sis just do a whatever job if asked to do it right away. n he gets so pissed when i dont do it right away or i forget. he literally makes such a big deal if we dont scrub the toilet right away. like tonight, he was reading the bible with us like he does every single night. n i was arguing with him about the not scrubbing toilet right away. right after, when we all pray aloud together, he mentions that he hopes that i (me) will b able to change my bad attitude…n he made it sound lk suCH a big deal. which is so lame cuz im lk kneeling right on the floor next to him, eyes closed, listening to him pray like that. like how lame is that? i just dont lk ppl ordering me to do things when they can do it quickly themselves. 

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